No family business has ever called a management coach and said, “Our communication is so efficient and effective, you need to come and experience it with us!”
On the contrary, the normal status of communication in most groups is less than ideal, with only a few areas that are at least functional.
Family members share a lifetime of experiences, disappointments and accomplishments. Each of these uniquely affect communication for every family member and impact each differently.
Improvement can be achieved by using a few foundational principles. Let’s call them the “Four Rules of Communication.”
Be honest
Express your thoughts clearly and openly. Use the fewest words necessary to convey your message. Avoid exaggeration. Don’t withhold any information. Give the facts as they happened without adding your own tone or attitude. Use firsthand information rather than gossip or hearsay.
No one should be expected to read someone else’s mind. Don’t weave opinions into a discussion that has ample facts available to make your point.
Don’t use manipulative behaviors. Becoming overly emotional, crying, making inappropriate demands or twisting someone else’s words diminish the group’s ability to have effective conversations or make timely decisions. Seek accuracy, not some form of disguised persuasion.
Keep current
Avoid going back to old disagreements or unresolved issues. Respond with facts, not innuendo. Don’t use residual anger from previous issues to solve today’s problems.
Once issues are resolved, close that door behind you and move on.
Let go of grudges or anything that can be used as leverage over another person. Resolve problems between individuals quickly so frustration and bitterness cannot take root. “Bitterness is like taking the poison yourself, hoping the other person dies.”
Attack the problem, not the person
Focus on resolving the issue or solving the problem. Avoid words, phrases or comments that you know will ignite negative feelings.
Choose to be caring and gracious. Follow the Golden Rule. Lift up rather than tear down. When you sense that the discussion is getting personal, slow down and speak directly to the problem at hand.
Be encouraging and appreciative. Avoid words or a tone that you know will put others on the defensive.
When addressing problems, choose to coach rather than criticize, and to develop rather than discipline.
Reflect on past successes and positive outcomes rather than mistakes and failures.
Act
Don’t react. Be proactive. Stay solution-oriented. Expect everyone in the conversation to act in an emotionally mature manner.
Work methodically through the topic, allowing everyone a chance to speak. Avoid emotional responses that intensify negativity and frustration.
Ask questions when clarity is needed. Accept responsibility for your own words and behaviors.
Keep the volume low. Ensure that your body language communicates all these expectations, as well as your words and your tone.
Expected behavior
These four rules are not a step-by-step formula for structured communication, but rather a set of foundational principles for all communications whether face-to-face or while using any type of media or device. They should be a part of your culture, and when words, attitudes or behaviors are inconsistent with these rules, correction should be provided. Use them to ensure everyone can talk freely, resolve differences, seek constructive solutions and achieve harmony.
Anyone in the group should be allowed to say when a rule is not being followed. All should be held accountable to use them regardless of position or level of authority. It is essential that leaders not only follow them but fully endorse them as expected standards of behavior.